Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Parody of the Golden Witch
by The Arch-Admiral
Summary: What if The Timeline took a direction where the whole scenario was taken over by the Parody Monster? Freelance Detective Battler Ushiromiya, and his sane sidekick cousin Maria arrive at their Grandfather's Mansion, where the annual Ushiromiya conference is on. Only problem is, Prankster Witches, Genre Savvy Furniture, A Murderer, and their relatives are also attending. (Crackfic)


As Battler and Ange stood before Bernkastel, Green eyes began moving into a different constellation They started chanting as they drew a Magic circle, as an ominous green light appeared. Then Bernkastel started laughing. "You know what!? Each one of these cats is the main form of a main character, each from a game like yours! Every one acted the main part in their heroic tale, and the story of their bravery was given honor, allowing them to become Aurora's guards! Each one fought for the very existence of their country, their planet, their universe!" She then looked at BAttler with a bemused expression. "What about you?!" She laughed again. "At Best, you've just been playing around with your little sister and some imaginary witch! These main characters are on a totally different level from you!" She then grinned psychotically. "Eat this and die, take it to the gut, Scum!"

The Circle glowed, before unleashed a hail of blasts at Battler.

"Oni-chan!" Ange cried out. When the dust cleared, Ange repeated that sentence, while Bernkastel muttered. "What...the hell...?"

and everyone knows what happens next. We all know who won, and it was NOT Bernkastel.

* * *

(A few years later)

5 months previously, Lavender Ai had watched the Final battle against Youtube she sighed as Bernkastel was utterly humiliated at the end, due to Ange becoming the witch of resurrection. She had typed a comment, saying that she wished Bernkastel had won. over 5 months later, someone replied to her. It was from an account named Frederica Bernkastel, who had said that 'she had wanted to win, too'. A few days after that, Ragna The Doomed Edge had commented

'As much as I like you, it seems to be the destiny of a troll 97% of the time, **** up with everyone's life until the last minutes and then lose in the final battle because "main characters have to win", happens quite frequently(Seriously, to me this would have been a much more dramatic and powerful ending if Bern had won, rather than "Yay, I can revive everyone, main characters have to win, yaaay, let's go to candy golden land!"). But hey, at least you're still alive. Perfectly fine... Almost.'

Bernkastel replied, 'Give me a Fanfiction account and a few hours, and I'll rewrite the ending.'

Lavender typed in 'Ready...Set..Go! We believe in you!'

A while later, Bernkastel posted another message. It read 'Thank you for the support. While I do not believe in miracles, the fact that Battler was revived was one unto itself. What is also a miracle, is that the possibility of my victory went above Zero, meaning it will happen. Maybe you should watch the video again.'

Lavender restarted the video.

"Eat this and die, take it to the gut, Scum!"

The Circle glowed, before unleashed a hail of blasts at Battler.

"Oni-chan!" Ange cried out. When the dust cleared, Ange repeated that sentence. Bernkastel clapped her hands. Now then. Battler Ushiromiya is dead. And on that note..." She then listed off the other members of the Ushiromiya family who were dead and they faded, saving Ange for last.

"Pity." Bernkastel said. "I was looking forward to an epic final battle. But, since Battler is dead, it seems we'll have to restart. Ange Ushiromiya is dead."

Back in 1986, The Boat docked, and Battler vaulted himself off the boat. He looked around at the scenery, and thought 'It may be me, but I swear i've been through this before.' After he said that, he swore he heard a girl laughing.

Bernkastel chuckled. With Beatrice out of the way, she was now the one to represent the Red Truth. Since the game had completely rebooted, Poor BAttler was back at Square one. The game was hers, and now it was Battler's turn to be tortured for eternity. Another chuckle escaped her, before she started cackling. "You hear that, Beatrice!? I WIN!"

A man appeared in the seat next to her. "Sorry, but the fanfic's been scrapped."

Bernkastel blinked. "We haven't even finished the first chapter."

"I know. But we've decided the story would be better as a parody. In about five minutes, the timeline will reset, and the Parody Mystery Humor arc will start."

"...Anything else?"

"Yeah, you're fired." Beatrice appeared, looking very smug. Bernkastel grimaced, before disappearing.

"Well Beatrice, looks like you have the helm again."

"Bitching. So, Parody, Mystery, Humor?"

"Yeah."

"Got it."


End file.
